If you're crying over spilled milk, like literally crying over a glass of spilled milk, chances are you're an emotional alcoholic.
Bath & Body Works are putting drug dealers out of business.
I remember the good old days when people used bath salts for things like taking baths and… taking baths…
Whenever I order a glass of ‘I stabbed my wife to death and got away with it’, the waiter brings me orange juice.
Stay-at-home-moms should be called stay-off-the-road-moms.
Minivans are weapons. Really annoying weapons.
This is PNC Mortgage.
What I say…
P as in Pony
N as in Nutella
C as in Corn
What I want to say…
P as in Pussy
N as in Nipples
C as in Cock Ring. Prince Albert to be exact.
Today I was taking calls at work…
With our automated dialer we have it works by calling someone, then showing that persons name on the computer the very moment that person answers leaving me literally 1 second to make out the name and ask for that person. Today I was greeted with a hello and this cluster fuck of a name…
GBEMILEKE C ADEPOJU
Guess who got it wrong.
So Rihanna is dating Chris Brown again.
Apparently he didn’t knock enough sense in her..
I wish I had a yo-yo so I could do it in public like when I’m getting gas or just walking in the mall and make everyone jealous and make them all whisper to each other “hey, that kid can yo-yo!”
I don’t know if this ever happens to you guys, but I really hate when I’m out having a good time and then all of the sudden it’s 12am and my car turns back into a big shitty blubbery rotten pumpkin.
Okay, so I’m marrying a gay dog who happens to be my brother.
FuCK dA LaW!!!
You can’t spell Adderall without ADD.
Sociology experiment.
So for one night I did a complete reformation and went out to see if I would be treated any different than normal. So I changed my name to Charley, a law graduate…
Charley got lucky..
Tyler never gets lucky…. whyyyyyy??
I’m writing a book about marriage called ‘The More I Drink, The More I Love Her’.
Anonymous asked:
you are so EXTREMELY un-funny, and you recycle stale jokes from other places.
ok lol
oh yeah, I get it now.. because slutty robots make us want to drink shitty vodka.
#Svedka
